Twas the day before Christmas Eve; we wuz malled

File this one under, “Don’t get out much anymore.”

I realized I was out of my element as soon as I approached the Spaulding tolls headed south out of Rochester.

As I fumbled in my pants pocket for the three quarters I knew were there, I glanced up and saw a Speed Pass lane instead of my old faithful Exact Change lane.

No problem. I simply spied my rear-view mirror, swerved a couple of lanes, heard a couple of honks and eased up to the frowning booth attendant.

“When that change?” I asked by way of explanation for my nimble lane changes.

He said nothing. The man had no sense of humor.

I was on my way to Dick’s Sporting Goods, you know, the home of Under Armor underwear, which I don’t get. I mean, do we really need “armor” down there? I mean are people that fearful of “an attack?” I don’t get it.

But anyways, I was headed to Dick’s Sporting Goods in Newington to do some shopping. My one big Christmas shopping soiree of the season. By myself. In the Voicemobile. Very way cool and exciting. The company website said it was at the Crossing at Fox Run.

Hey, I know where that is, I thought. So I headed down the Spaulding to Newington and parked at the Fox Run Mall and walked in. After walking blindly around for five minutes I asked this unfortunate Indian fellow who had no customers and was making beads or something at one of the kiosks, “Do you know where Dick’s Sporting Goods is?”

In broken English he struggled to say, “Not here, not here. You go down Food Court, look out door.”

Oh, I thought, it’s just outside the door. OK, I can do this. So I walked the length of the mall, past the Food Court (which smelled delightful) and out the door. Nothing but miles of parking lot.

So I asked another lady who was entering the mall with her daughter, “Do you know where Dick’s Sporting Goods is?”

She also frowned at me, much like the toll booth attendant and the Indian fellow.

“Wrong mall,” she said and pointed where a bus was driving down an access street about a half-mile away.

About now I’m thinking, why can’t they call the malls by more discernible names. Like one’s Fox Run Mall and one’s Bear Paw Mall, instead of one’s Fox Run Mall and the other is The Mall at Fox Crossing and the other is the Fox Mall Crossing Run.

And have you ever seen a fox anywhere near the Fox Run Mall? I mean do you think a fox could actually make it from one side of Newington to the other side of Newington without getting run over by a car or truck or bus? So the name is erroneous.

And why do we have three streets in Lebanon that are named Wentworth?

Anyways, it was raining and I obviously wasn’t going to walk it, anyway.

So I retrace my steps back to the entrance by Men’s Warehouse. By the way, I’m pretty good at retracing my steps. In fact, I’m very good at it. Extremely good, actually.

So I get in the Voicemobile and head on the access road in the general direction of where the frowning lady had pointed at the bus.

Instant gridlock. After having no traffic to get to the Fox Run Mall, the traffic to the Crossings at Fox Run was well, it was like Rochester traffic before they widened the Spaulding and everyone thought it would be quicker to go through town on a holiday weekend and they were always wrong.

Anyways, a half hour later I get to the other mall a half-mile away and am stopped at a pedestrian crossing. Fearing that if I go the wrong way it’ll take another half hour to get back to where I am, I ask another man, who also frowned even before I said to him, “Do you know where Dick’s Sporting Goods is?”

He didn’t say anything but looked around for a moment, then pointed to my right where a two-story-high sign said, “Dick’s Sporting Goods.”

I turned to thank him, but he was gone. He’s probably still frowning.

I didn’t have time to dwell on the fact whether he had been facetious with me as a car behind was honking.

After getting inside the store almost an hour and a half after leaving Lebanon, I realized one thing: Boy, you can spend some money in this store. And I did, actually finding a few good bargains.

Still, $40 for a couple pair of underwear. I don’t think so. I’ll stay with the Hanes or Fruit of the Loom.  

Merry Christmas from The Lebanon Voice.