I can see it now: a Bureau of Panhandler Protection

Panhandling ordinances in Rochester and Portland, Maine, went up in smoke recently, meaning the little beggars will likely be emboldened as they approach you for their daily do-re-me (as in me, me, me), near the banks and ATMs of Rochester, and the medians of Portland.

In Rochester, the panhandling ordinance went back to the codes and ordinances committee which may try to bring it back in some form in the future, but where it most likely will die a slow and agonizing death. In Portland, it was struck down by a federal judge as unconstitutional.

In Maine’s largest city, those wanting to ban panhandlers noted it was a safety issue as they often walk drunkenly through traffic, arms outstretched for a couple of bucks for their next bottle of Night Train.

In Rochester, one bank employee said while the ordinance was in effect they’d seen a welcome decrease in panhandlers near the bank’s teller window where they often harassed bank customers withdrawing money. That will now likely increase again.

Gee, one of those panhandlers is likely to be hurt doing such dangerous work making a hard-earned buck, walking so close to cars near bank drive-ups or along Portland's "beggin' strips." Then we, the taxpayers, will have to pay for their hospital bill at the emergency room.

Isn’t it obvious what we need here? You guessed it.

We need a federal Bureau of Panhandling Protection. Don’t worry; it’ll be paid for with federal dollars, not real money!

Let’s get all the panhandlers off the street by getting them an apartment, some food stamps and an EBT card so they can get those things only cash can buy: like the booze and drugs they mostly panhandle for.

(Sorry to burst your bubble, Portland Press Herald, but they don’t really mostly do it to buy deodorant and tooth paste. Try smelling most and you’ll find out. Or did you interview them on their smart phone.)

But back to my point.  If we can get them an apartment (something with a sunny exposure and a wet bar), some food and some money for necessities like Budweiser and crack, they won’t have to panhandle, get hit by a car and wind up in the emergency room. Oh, yeah, don’t forget. Get them their Maine Care card, too. Sorry, almost forgot.

Now to administer this program all we need is about $100 million. Then we’ll need about $100 million to spread around to the little darlings. But don’t worry. It’s just federal money. Did I already say that?

Now why would we wonder why the deficit, and our taxes, goes go up, up, up?